Why Do I Feel Guilty Taking Time for Myself?
Updated: Aug 14
You finally have an hour to yourself.
There is nothing you urgently need to do. Nobody needs you right now. You could sit down, go for a walk, read a book or simply do nothing for a while.
And yet, instead of relaxing, you start thinking about everything you could be doing.
Perhaps there's washing to put away. An email you haven't answered. Someone you should call. Something at work you could get ahead with.
Before long, the opportunity to rest doesn't feel relaxing at all. It feels uncomfortable.
If this sounds familiar, you're not alone. For many of us, taking time for ourselves can come with a surprising amount of guilt.
Why can rest feel uncomfortable?
We often think of rest as something simple: stop working and relax.
But emotionally, it isn't always that straightforward.
From an early age, many of us absorb messages about the importance of being productive, helpful and responsible. Being busy can become associated with being useful, while doing nothing can feel lazy or self-indulgent.
Our responsibilities also change throughout life. Work, children, relationships, caring for relatives and everyday commitments can gradually fill our time.
When we're used to constantly doing something for somebody, stopping can begin to feel unfamiliar.
You might even find yourself thinking:
“I should be doing something useful.”
“Other people don't get this time to themselves.”
“I'll relax once everything is finished.”
The difficulty with that last thought is that everything is rarely finished.
There will almost always be another job, another message or another person who could use our attention.
When did looking after yourself become selfish?
Sometimes guilt about taking time for ourselves comes from believing that our needs should come after everyone else's.
This can be particularly strong if you're someone who naturally cares for other people.
You may be comfortable giving support but much less comfortable giving yourself the same consideration.
Imagine, however, that a friend told you they were exhausted and hadn't had any time to themselves for weeks.
Would you tell them they were selfish for taking an afternoon off?
Probably not.
We can sometimes offer other people a level of kindness and understanding that we struggle to extend to ourselves.
Rest isn't something you have to earn
It is easy to turn rest into a reward.
I'll stop when I've finished this.
I'll take some time for myself when everyone else is okay.
I'll have a break once I've caught up.
But if rest always has to be earned, we can end up continually moving the finishing line.
Rest isn't simply the absence of productivity. It is part of how we look after ourselves.
And it doesn't have to mean a spa day, a holiday or an elaborate self-care routine.
It might be twenty minutes with a cup of tea.
A quiet walk.
Listening to music.
Sitting in the garden.
Doing something creative.
Seeing someone whose company you enjoy.
Or simply having some time when nobody is asking anything of you.
What feels restorative will be different for everyone.
Notice the word “should”
Sometimes it can help to notice the language running through our minds.
How often does the word “should” appear?
I should be working.
I should be helping.
I should be getting things done.
I should be coping better.
Rather than immediately obeying that thought, you might become curious about it.
Where does that expectation come from?
Would you expect the same thing from somebody else?
What do you imagine might happen if you didn't do it?
There may not be an obvious answer. The purpose isn't to challenge every thought or force yourself to feel differently.
It is simply to notice the expectations you may be placing on yourself.
Making space doesn't mean you care less
Taking time for yourself doesn't mean withdrawing from the people you love or ignoring your responsibilities.
It means recognising that you are one of the people whose needs matter too.
There may be times when responsibilities genuinely have to come first. Life isn't always neatly balanced.
But there is a difference between temporarily putting our needs aside and becoming so accustomed to doing it that we stop noticing we have needs at all.
Making a little room for yourself can be an acknowledgement that your wellbeing matters alongside everything and everyone you care about.
A few questions to consider
If taking time for yourself tends to bring up guilt, you might gently ask yourself:
What do I think I should be doing instead?
Do I find it easier to care for other people than for myself?
When I rest, can I actually switch off?
What makes me feel genuinely restored?
When did I last do something simply because I enjoyed it?
What would change if I treated my own needs as being important too?
You don't need to have perfect answers.
Sometimes becoming aware of a pattern is enough to begin looking at it differently.
When guilt is telling us something more
For some people, difficulty making space for themselves isn't really about finding the time.
It can be connected to deeper feelings about responsibility, self-worth, relationships or what we believe other people expect from us.
Perhaps saying no feels frightening.
Perhaps disappointing somebody feels unbearable.
Perhaps being needed makes you feel valued.
Or perhaps you've spent so long looking after other people that you're no longer sure what you need.
These are the kinds of patterns that can be difficult to understand while we're busy living them.
Having somewhere to talk openly can create an opportunity to explore where those feelings come from and what they mean for you.
You are allowed to be part of the equation
Looking after yourself doesn't require you to stop caring about other people.
It isn't about putting yourself first all of the time.
Perhaps it is simply about including yourself.
Your time matters.
Your energy matters.
And your emotional needs matter too.
Sometimes it helps to talk
If something in this article resonates with you and you'd like a confidential space to explore what you're experiencing, South Bucks Counselling provides affordable counselling and psychotherapy for adults aged 18 and over, both in person and online.
Find out more about our counselling services or make a referral.
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