When You're the Person everyone Else Relies On
Updated: Aug 14
Are you the person everyone calls when something goes wrong?
Perhaps you're the one who listens when a friend is struggling, keeps the family organised, supports an ageing parent, helps your children through their worries, or quietly takes responsibility when things need to be done.
Being someone others can rely on can be rewarding. It can be part of who we are and how we show that we care. But when you're constantly looking after everyone else, it can become easy to overlook one person: yourself.
The pressure of being the strong one
People who are used to supporting others don't always notice when their own emotional reserves are running low.
You may tell yourself:
“I'm fine.”
“Other people have bigger problems.”
“I'll deal with it later.”
“They need me right now.”
And so you carry on.
Over time, however, constantly putting your own needs to one side can leave you feeling tired, irritable, overwhelmed or emotionally drained.
Sometimes there isn't one dramatic moment when things become too much. It can be a gradual accumulation of responsibilities, worries and emotions.
When caring becomes carrying
There is a difference between caring about the people in our lives and feeling responsible for everything that happens to them.
If you're someone who naturally steps in to help, you may find yourself carrying other people's worries long after the conversation has ended.
You might spend time wondering whether they're okay, thinking about what you should do next or feeling guilty when you can't solve the problem.
You may even find it difficult to enjoy your own time because part of your attention is always somewhere else.
Being supportive doesn't mean you have to have all the answers.
Sometimes the most caring thing we can do is simply be present without taking responsibility for fixing everything.
Why can asking for help feel so difficult?
If you're normally the person providing support, being the one who needs it can feel uncomfortable.
You might worry about burdening someone else or appearing unable to cope.
Perhaps you've become so accustomed to saying “I'm fine” that you're not entirely sure how to answer when someone genuinely asks how you are.
For some people, independence and being dependable are closely connected to their sense of identity. Admitting that things feel difficult can therefore feel surprisingly vulnerable.
But needing support doesn't take away from your ability to support others.
Both can exist at the same time.
Notice what you're carrying
It can be useful to stop occasionally and ask yourself:
How am I actually feeling?
Not how you think you should feel. Not whether other people have things worse. Simply how you are feeling right now.
You might also consider:
What has been taking most of my emotional energy recently?
Am I making space for my own needs as well as everyone else's?
When did I last talk honestly about how I'm feeling?
Is there something I'm carrying that doesn't entirely belong to me?
What would I say to someone I cared about if they were in my position?
You don't need to find immediate solutions. Sometimes recognising what you're carrying is an important first step.
Making a little space for yourself
Looking after yourself doesn't necessarily mean making major changes.
It might mean taking a walk without answering your phone, saying no to something when you don't have the capacity, asking someone else to take responsibility for a task, or simply allowing yourself some uninterrupted time.
It might also mean talking.
Not because you have reached breaking point, but because you deserve somewhere to put down some of what you've been carrying.
Having somewhere that's just for you
One of the unusual things about counselling is that the time belongs to you.
You don't have to look after the other person's feelings. You don't have to provide solutions, organise anything or reassure anyone that you're okay.
It can simply be a confidential space to explore what's happening for you.
For someone who spends much of their life being there for other people, having that space can feel very different.
And sometimes, being supported ourselves can help us understand how to continue caring for others without losing sight of our own needs.
Sometimes it helps to talk
If something in this article resonates with you and you'd like a confidential space to explore what you're experiencing, South Bucks Counselling provides affordable counselling and psychotherapy for adults aged 18 and over, both in person and online.
Find out more about our counselling services or make a referral.
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